I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression

I need love and affection

And I hope I’m not sounding too desperate

I need love and affection

Love, love, love, love and affection

Love, love, L-O-V-E-E-E and affection

I would say that overall, I’m a naturally affectionate individual. This wasn’t always the case, coming from a traditional Nigerian family. Hugging and whatnot was not really the norm. But as I’ve gotten older, I have been able to articulate my feelings and become more comfortable expressing the need for affection.

I starting thinking about how important affection is within a relationship, but also, how important it is when embarking on a new relationship. There are questions that need to be asked when starting something new, and things one needs to consider in terms of making sure that you’re individual needs are met. Like for me, I like hugs. I like my hair being played with (as long as your hands are clean because otherwise, ew.) I like holding hands but not all the time. Like we can let go to swipe our metrocards at the turnstile, this isn’t Titanic. I also don’t need you to call me everyday and talk forever. I spend my workday talking, a lot. So sometimes, a little 5-10 minute check in will suffice. I certainly don’t need to see you everyday because we’re grown. We’re not in college, where our dorm rooms are in the same building and we have time to snuggle in our twin beds in between classes. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I don’t just go to work and go home. I have Bible study, I have the blog, I’m a gym enthusiast, and a lover of trash television. Sometimes I need my alone time after a hectic day. Besides, I need a chance to miss you. But like I said, this is my particular preference.

I think that when you first start a relationship, it’s so new, and exciting, all you want to do is spend every waking moment with that person. Talking for hours every night, rearranging your schedule so you can see each other as often as possible, and of course, once you become intimate, that may be something that happens a lot, or at least on your mind a lot. But the thing is, we have to think about sustainability. You want it to last right? You want to still want this person six months from now, six years from now, maybe forever. In my opinion, there has to be a balance.

I’ve seen affection go a lot of different ways. There are the relationships that involve a constant emphasis on sex. Now don’t get me wrong, sex is good, being intimate is healthy. But it should not be everything. You have to be able to stimulate each other outside of the bedroom, because ultimately, that is what is going to keep you both interested in the long run.

At the same time, no sex is no good either. Unless you both agreed to not have sex, this could potentially be a problem in the long run. I knew a couple that had been dating for a year and some change. The first six months it was a whole lot of sex. Sounds great, sounds like both parties were satisfied right? Until a year and a half later, she decides that she doesn’t want to have sex anymore because she wants to wait until she gets married. Whoa, hol’up, hol’ ma phone! You’re a couple. That means that the concept of intimacy should be a discussion that you both have. It affects you both, and is unfair to both, especially since you have been intimate consistently for quite some time. Now, I’m not going to say that this has caused either of them to cheat…I just know that sometimes the eye starts to wander, when that person is not being satisfied at home. If you get me.

As far as new relationships, don’t be all up under each other 24/8. Leave something to the imagination. Nothing is more romantic and exciting than the progression of things. The first kiss. The first time he or she sleeps over. The first time you’re intimate. The first time you introduce them to your homies. Slow down, and savor it. Everything you do now, will affect how the relationship will flow. You gotta set the tone for the relationship early. You never know how long it will last, could be forever or only a short time. But either way, you gotta enjoy it.

I’ll say one last thing. Be open about what you actually want and need. If you need to spoon after sex, let that be known. If you like your belly rubbed after large meals, shout it from the rooftops! If this person can’t satisfy your needs now, they’ll never satisfy your needs in a relationship.

That’s all I got folks. Be well.

always_mlove

I feel like I write the best when my mind is literally a clusterfuck. So here we are. I’ve been sitting on this idea for a minute, after my last post about fear and love. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to move past fear. I think it’s easy to stay in that state, and it’s important that we talk about how to move away from it. In my last post I discussed how fear stops us from doing the things we want to do. Well, fear can also stop us from doing what we have to do. Whether that is coming to terms with faults within ourselves, being real about where we are at in life, or letting go of bad habits. This can be very scary.

Sometimes we need to do better. Sometimes, we need to give OURSELVES tough love, because we owe ourselves that much ya know? Real progress starts when you acknowledge that a change needs to be made. Of course when I write on this particular blog, I’m talking more about love, but the same concept applies to all aspects of life. It is important to have a balance in life. We all work, or go to school, pay bills, work out, etc. Sometimes one part of our life overpowers everything else. I know when I was in grad school, my primary focus was graduating and getting a job. I didn’t leave much time for anything else. Now that I’m a real person, I see the important of maintaining myself in all aspects. If we as humans want to grow, we have to pay attention to all areas of life. Work, life, and love; mind, body, spirit. Each needs their own attention.

As single people, it is easy for us, to become impatient. It is easy to allow the fear of falling deter us from spreading love and letting love in. Because you can’t really attain the ideal relationship if your heart is closed. I encourage those in a fearful and fragile state to move through the fear. Choose courage. Take a leap of faith, and honor the steps you take, even they are baby steps. This could be, going on a date, calling a love interest, expressing your feelings. Acknowledge when things are not working, and moving on. Most importantly, acknowledging what you can do to let more love into your life. have you shown love to your body? how are you nurturing your mind, your thoughts? I recently picked up this book, ‘The 5 Love Languages.’ It basically talks about how everyone expressed love in different ways. I’ll read it first, and most likely write my thoughts and shit about it on this here blog. So stay tuned.

I want all of you to remember the importance of re-centering yourself in times of distress, confusion, and despair. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Trust that the answer is always in you, and keep moving.