Mora Adeyi

It’s been awhile fam! I’ve been too busy living my life, chasing this money, that I haven’t had any time to get back to this here blog. But here we are fresh from the shower, ready to drop something on ya. Ready?Okay.Now when I first thought about this topic, I wondered how I could convey my feelings and whatnot, about being friends with an ex lover, boyfriend, etc. when I can’t really relate all the way. Then I thought, who gives a damn? So here we go. I don’t feel like everyone should be friends with their exes.

There. I said it. I’ll tell you why.

When you’re invested in something, whether it’s a situationship, an exclusive relationship (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend), or someone you are dating exclusively, you’re all in. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t do anything half-assed. If I’m into you, I’m all the way in. I’m a passionate person. I love hard. I FEEL things. So when that feeling goes away…it’s gone. Like, I can’t get it back, I can’t muster up fake enthusiasm to be around you, the fire is out, that.is.it. I’m not friends with any of the guys I’ve dated. Here’s the thing. For me, I feel like if we weren’t friends before, why would we be now? It’s silly to me. Most likely once we’ve separated, I’ve moved on, you’ve moved on. We see other people, and we become invested in them. I can’t look back, because I feel that if you’re really committed to someone, mind, and heart, there’s not really any room for anyone else.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been chatting a lot with the homies. I had one girlfriend tell me that she was upset because one of her exes no longer takes her calls or texts, and she didn’t understand why. I thought that was weird. Think about it. He has a new girlfriend, this girlfriend probably wouldn’t like him communicating regularly with an ex, because she probably thinks he may still have feelings for her. Who has time for that? Girls are jealous creatures. I am a jealous creature. I don’t want to share your attention, I want it fully. I’ve seen far too many situations, where both guys and girls have claimed to be ‘just friends’ with their ex, and have ended up back with them, or at least hooking up with them. How does that help you grow and move forward?

I’m not saying this is the case for everyone. I know a few people who are friendly with their exes and there is no problem…..that they know of. In my observation, on the outside things are platonic and friendly..but more often than not one party still has lingering ‘what if’ feelings about the other. You can never say that just because you view them as a friend, they fully view you as the same. As we get older, get married, and have children, the situations will be even more unrealistic. I don’t know any married couples who are still friends with their exes, do you? I’ll wait.

If things end, they end for a reason. Stop trying to recreate a dead relationship. I know that none of the guys I’ve dated were supposed to be with me for the long haul. When they go, I delete them off of Facebook, Instagram, phone book, all that. I don’t want reminders of what once was. Keeping that door open invites the chance that one will relapse, and that may not be the healthiest move for your heart. Call it immature, I call it closure. Besides, no one wants to see their ex moved on and happy if they aren’t in the same place. That sucks.

Memories are just that…memories. Good times, or bad, things begin and end everyday. I take every situation and experience for what it is, and I get ready and open my heart for the new one that is sure to follow. I feel like that’s how it should be.

We can’t be friends. Thanks for the memories though.

I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression

I need love and affection

And I hope I’m not sounding too desperate

I need love and affection

Love, love, love, love and affection

Love, love, L-O-V-E-E-E and affection

I would say that overall, I’m a naturally affectionate individual. This wasn’t always the case, coming from a traditional Nigerian family. Hugging and whatnot was not really the norm. But as I’ve gotten older, I have been able to articulate my feelings and become more comfortable expressing the need for affection.

I starting thinking about how important affection is within a relationship, but also, how important it is when embarking on a new relationship. There are questions that need to be asked when starting something new, and things one needs to consider in terms of making sure that you’re individual needs are met. Like for me, I like hugs. I like my hair being played with (as long as your hands are clean because otherwise, ew.) I like holding hands but not all the time. Like we can let go to swipe our metrocards at the turnstile, this isn’t Titanic. I also don’t need you to call me everyday and talk forever. I spend my workday talking, a lot. So sometimes, a little 5-10 minute check in will suffice. I certainly don’t need to see you everyday because we’re grown. We’re not in college, where our dorm rooms are in the same building and we have time to snuggle in our twin beds in between classes. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I don’t just go to work and go home. I have Bible study, I have the blog, I’m a gym enthusiast, and a lover of trash television. Sometimes I need my alone time after a hectic day. Besides, I need a chance to miss you. But like I said, this is my particular preference.

I think that when you first start a relationship, it’s so new, and exciting, all you want to do is spend every waking moment with that person. Talking for hours every night, rearranging your schedule so you can see each other as often as possible, and of course, once you become intimate, that may be something that happens a lot, or at least on your mind a lot. But the thing is, we have to think about sustainability. You want it to last right? You want to still want this person six months from now, six years from now, maybe forever. In my opinion, there has to be a balance.

I’ve seen affection go a lot of different ways. There are the relationships that involve a constant emphasis on sex. Now don’t get me wrong, sex is good, being intimate is healthy. But it should not be everything. You have to be able to stimulate each other outside of the bedroom, because ultimately, that is what is going to keep you both interested in the long run.

At the same time, no sex is no good either. Unless you both agreed to not have sex, this could potentially be a problem in the long run. I knew a couple that had been dating for a year and some change. The first six months it was a whole lot of sex. Sounds great, sounds like both parties were satisfied right? Until a year and a half later, she decides that she doesn’t want to have sex anymore because she wants to wait until she gets married. Whoa, hol’up, hol’ ma phone! You’re a couple. That means that the concept of intimacy should be a discussion that you both have. It affects you both, and is unfair to both, especially since you have been intimate consistently for quite some time. Now, I’m not going to say that this has caused either of them to cheat…I just know that sometimes the eye starts to wander, when that person is not being satisfied at home. If you get me.

As far as new relationships, don’t be all up under each other 24/8. Leave something to the imagination. Nothing is more romantic and exciting than the progression of things. The first kiss. The first time he or she sleeps over. The first time you’re intimate. The first time you introduce them to your homies. Slow down, and savor it. Everything you do now, will affect how the relationship will flow. You gotta set the tone for the relationship early. You never know how long it will last, could be forever or only a short time. But either way, you gotta enjoy it.

I’ll say one last thing. Be open about what you actually want and need. If you need to spoon after sex, let that be known. If you like your belly rubbed after large meals, shout it from the rooftops! If this person can’t satisfy your needs now, they’ll never satisfy your needs in a relationship.

That’s all I got folks. Be well.

always_mlove