“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” ― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
I’ve been thinking a lot about fear. Even the bravest of souls are afraid of something, whether it’s spiders, heights, or…falling in love. It’s crazy how much fear limits us, and stops us from getting to where we are meant to be. So, I’ve been working really hard to be brave in all aspects of my life. I probably have mentioned that I have an absurd job working with the mentally ill in the city. That alone has caused me to invest in big girl pants, and approach every workday with unwavering ferocity. I am in the process of training for the Spartan Race. Challenging myself physically every year is something I made a pact to do when I turned 25, starting with my first 10K last fall. This is no easy feat, considering that it’s been snowing every other day, and I love carbs. I also have been trying to be brave in my love life.
What do I mean by this? Well, as I’ve started dating again, I’ve been having lots of conversations about dating, meeting new potential, and how scary that can be. I mean, it’s a daunting task, meeting someone new. Getting to know all of their little quirks and idiosyncrasies. Figuring out if you’re compatible in and out of the bedroom. Introducing them to your friends, and hoping for your friends’ approval. Having conversations on the phone (maybe that’s just me, I think I have a weird phone voice. But I digress). Being vocal about what exactly you want, where this is going…being vocal about your feelings. Shit is terrifying. I never thought that I would get back to this place, where I actually am excited about meeting someone new. Someone to look forward to spending time with. I also have gotten to a new place, where I am more comfortable expressing my wants and needs. I think that is what I’m most proud of at this very moment. I decided to blog about it, because I want this for all my fellow singles, and I also am demanding ya’ll to get here with me!
In the past few weeks, I’ve had a lot of interesting encounters with various characters in my life, and have come to a lot of conclusions. I think it’s absolutely crazy, how people will hold onto their fear so tightly, instead of being brave and stepping out of their comfort zone. Like…dating someone that you know is going to end in heartbreak, only because you’re afraid of being alone and starting again. Or, continuing to date within your friend circle, because it is ‘safe’ and ‘familiar’, and you know everything about everyone. Having sex with people who don’t give a fuck about you. Reverting back to old flames, because anything feels better than an unknown and uncertain romantic future. Or..better yet… fear of breaking bad dating habits out of sheer stubbornness. Think about it guys. If you REALLY wanted to be happy, wouldn’t you do anything to get there? Even if that means starting from scratch, and challenging yourself to change? Even if that means plunging headfirst into something, knowing that there is a chance that you could fail? So many of us have taken risks to get where we want to in life. Many of us studied for entrance exams to get into the college of our choice, prepped for interviews to get our dream jobs, worked 5 jobs to go on our dream vacation. Why is it, that when it comes to love, we let fear get in the way of actually falling for the person of our dreams? Why is this not worth the risk?
This is what I think about fear, in terms of falling for someone. I think it’s cowardly to expect your perfect match to fall out of the sky, without you doing something, ANYTHING to make it happen. Stop making excuses for why you’re alone, or why you can’t meet someone worthwhile. What the fuck are you doing to improve your own love life? What parts of you can be improved? Look at yourself! Look deep into your heart. Have you made the healthiest choices for your heart? Do you know what you deserve? If you haven’t, in what ways can you challenge yourself RIGHT NOW to make a change? That was mad questions, but that’s a starting point. Go with it.
I keep it 100 with you guys, because I want us all to win. I haven’t even shared this with the homies, so ya’ll should feel special. I am seeing someone. And you know what? I am terrified. I am shitting my pants, scared that I’m going to get myself hurt again. You know what else? I am also on the verge of actually being happy in this area of my life. I risk to change things about my own dating habits, because ultimately I want to win. I want it bad enough that I am willing to acknowledge mistakes I’ve made with the opposite sex. The only way to change, and move forward, is to acknowledge what areas need to be improved. This may look different for everyone. It may mean cutting off old flames cold turkey. Or getting a guy’s number instead of waiting for him to ask. This may mean abstaining from sex until you meet someone who’s worthy. My point is, man the fuck up guys. Do the hard stuff to get to where you ultimately want to be. You’ve worked hard for all your achievements in other aspects of your life, falling in love and having a successful, healthy relationship will be no different. Let’s get this started.
