The Advice: ‘The New Single:’ You Never Thought It Could be You….Again.

Apparently ‘tis the season for breakups. Recently, several of my friends/associates having ending things with their significant others for various reasons. I’m talking chunky relationships, 3-5 years, out the window. It brought about some interesting conversations about starting over and being single again. Over the past few months, I have reconnected with an old friend from college, and she was telling me about her breakup. Essentially, her now ex-boyfriend told her that he didn’t see himself marrying her. Talk about harsh. In case guys don’t know, if a girl wifes you up, she’s thinking long term. Marriage and kids, house with a picket fence, matching sweatsuits, all that. To invest more than a year into someone, is real. The majority of us want to be in relationships for the long term, we don’t start something new because we think it will end.

The idea of investing so much time and effort into someone, just to have it fall apart, is depressing. It can also be scary to start again. I’m not just talking about dating. I’m talking about rediscovering yourself again. Think about it. You have spent literally years of your life as part of a twosome. You have had to consider their thoughts and feelings when making little and big decisions. Perhaps you have even sacrificed things that you wanted for the sake of your relationship. Now, the rug has been pulled out from under you, and you are single. It’s just you, in the world, living, existing, figuring shit out. Scary, right? I asked my girl what she liked to do as far as hobbies, and some things she would want to do now that she is on her own. You know what was crazy? She couldn’t articulate what SHE liked to do. Now if you give me ten minutes I’ll tell u at least 45 things I like to do in my spare time. So I found it a little crazy that she was having so much trouble. Not to mention the idea of approaching someone new. What if he thinks I’m weird? What if I’m not his type? What if he rejects me? Hmmm…it’s interesting that all of these things are scary to you, and yet those that are taken are so quick to throw one liners out there like…’You gotta put yourself out there sometimes. Take a risk. You gotta try.’ Not so easy is it? Allow me to school you on the single ways.

The greatest thing about being single, and being able to function and move in this confusing time of 20-something, is that you have the space to do whatever the fuck you want. Whether that is taking a cooking class, starting a blog (ahem), traveling to a foreign country, or becoming a Zumba instructor. No one is stopping you from doing all the things you want to do in life. As far as approaching the opposite sex, I can only speak for myself as a single girl. I really don’t worry about the possibility of rejection. It’s not because I think I look like Beyonce or anything like that. To me, I feel confident about who I am, I feel like the realness radiates off of me, and if you don’t like it, fuck off. Most likely I will never see you again, so to me, it’s a win. I get your number and we get together, or I don’t. Either way, I’m alive, I’m still fucking awesome, and I’m still going to continue to do my thing. Ya dig? That’s the problem with getting too comfortable when you are in a relationship. You start forgetting about who you were before you met this person. You get so wrapped up in the love, that the possibility of it ending goes out the window. Pause. Stop treating your relationships like you’re married. You’re not. You are not a fortune teller, you cannot predict whether you will be with this person forever or not. There’s ALWAYS a chance that it might not work out. Even if you were married, who told you that it’s going to last forever? Have you seen the divorce rates these days? Shit happens. I’m not saying don’t believe in the idea of forever. Please, do. But don’t get so caught up that if shit really goes left, you don’t know who you are, and you have no kind of support to work through shit if it ends. I told my homegirl, lucky for her, the friends she ditched when she got together with ‘ol boy, are still around to help her through this heartbreak. Others are not so lucky. I encourage her and I encourage everyone to definitely take the time to discover yourself. You have a lot to offer this world, besides being someone’s boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband. Embrace that shit. Explore it. Own it.

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